chronic worry
Two years ago yesterday, my world was thrown into a spin and flipped every which way. My Wife was in the ICU fighting for her life, and I couldn't help.
A lot of related events transpired from there, but I'm incredibly glad and grateful that she's still here today and kicking ass, just with the occasional challenge in that space.
It really fucked me up. For so long, I thought I was ok. We both thought I was doing ok, but it turns out it really fucked me up.
She got hit with PTSD, depression, and a lifelong condition, whereas it appeared I truly came into my own as her partner and soldiered on to ensure life kept moving for us both, and she was cared for. I showed her and her family how much I really care.
But it turns out that it made me deeply scared; I didn't even know how scared it made me. I'm now a chronic worrier. My trauma has finally come to roost - I thought I'd got out lucky.
We got our Puppy just over a week ago, and I've been a bit of a mess. The worry about doing everything right with her, ensuring she's eating and sleeping enough, and we're not teaching her undesirable behaviours. My Wife has spotted what's going on and is being incredibly supportive, but it's shit.
To top it off, my Wife fainted a few times yesterday (which is unlike her!), and christ did it scare me. I used to be so cool as a cucumber, but it really threw me off. I still did what needed to be done and could be relied on for that, but internally, I was being shredded.
I'm a rational guy. I know why I'm responding like this, and I know that it's not an irrational response (but also is), and I find it frustrating.
I've lost some control over myself, and I hate it.